Not all of you are going to say these things. But admit it, sometimes you want to.
1. A “current prescription” means one that has not expired, not the one you’re “currently” wearing from 10 years ago that “works fine.”
2. No, I am not responsible if I break your glasses while adjusting them. Firstly, I just told you that. Secondly, these things look like they’ve seen seven past presidents and don’t look like they’ve been cleaned since Clinton took office.
3. No lenses are scratch-proof. None. End of story. Now scratch-resistant is another story entirely.
4. You’re cleaning your glasses wrong. I don’t care how soft that hand towel is, it’s scratching your lenses. Yes – even Kleenex with aloe. Please let me teach you. Please pay attention when I teach you.
5. No, I can’t just give you your pupillary distance when you’re not buying glasses from me. I’m not going to be sued when you have glasses made wrong by an online retailer and crash into a family of four. Just no.
6. Transitions is a brand name for photochromatic lenses that darken when exposed to direct sunlight. They are not no-line bifocals. Nope. That’s not what they used to call them. Yes, you’ve always heard it wrong.
7. Progressives are no-line bifocals. They are not dangerous. Your uncle’s friend’s cousin’s brother’s opinion is moot. Try them.
8. Your glasses aren’t crooked. Yes, I checked. No, you don’t go off your eyebrows. Yes, they’re crooked on the table, but the table isn’t wearing them. Buck up princess, your face is crooked. So is everyone else’s.
9. That’s your medical insurance card. Yes, I’m sure. See where it says medical? Vision is separate. No, I can’t list off insurance plans. I have a book two inches think of just the most common ones. Now go be an adult and find out.
10. You have a prescription for close up and far away but you only want one pair of glasses? You need lined or no-line bifocals. No, there isn’t a third option. Yes I’m sure. No I won’t go check.
11. Yes, XXXX can make your glasses in an hour. They will also charge you 2-3 times the price I’m offering.
12. No, you can’t pay off your order in payments. It’s not a car and we don’t offer layaway.
13. You’ve probably never realized this, but when the doctor asked “which is better, 1 or 2?” you were controlling your prescription. Therefore the doctor didn’t write your prescription wrong, you answered wrong.
14. You have a strong prescription that will result in very flat lenses. You also want a wrapped frame that conforms to your face. One of these two will not work. Did you skip square-peg, round-hole day in school?
15. No, you can’t sleep in your contacts for 30 days straight. No, your doctor didn’t tell you it’s ok. They probably told you that this lens is approved by the FDA for falling asleep in them. You failed to listen properly and now you have an eye infection.
16. Oh, you’ve worn your two-week disposable contact lenses for three months every time for the last 20 years and never had an eye infection? Please tell me about how you also picked the winning lottery numbers last night.
17. Yes, you need a backup pair of glasses to your contacts. Unless you also think it’s smart to go on a cruise ship that doesn’t have life jackets or life boats, your argument is invalid.
18. Yes, we do all wear glasses here. It’s kinda what drew us to this profession in the first place. It’s the same as how you got interested in art history and then started working at Starbucks.
19. No, I can’t just take your prescription from your glasses and make a new pair from that. That would be wrong. Yes, I’m sure.
20. Your vision is not 20/200 or “twenty-two hundred”. That’s the same as me asking you what your address is and you responding, “20 minutes away.” That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.
This article is an online-only feature for INVISIONMAG.COM.
Devlin Talbert is an optician in Los Angeles. Outside of work he can often be seen at Disneyland with his wife and daughter. He also does a killer T-Rex impression.