04 Aug Five Business Books You Definitely Don't Have To Read This Summer

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Reading actively, reading voluminously, reading until your eyes ache is one of the most important and inspirational investments you can make in your business. Your goal in your reading should always be to expand your sights beyond the perimeter of the eyecare business and incorporate the best and freshest ideas from outside the business. Of course, not all reading is useful and there are tons of terrible business books out there — books that laboriously "discover" only what is already obvious, books that darken instead of illuminate, books that depress instead of inspire. Here are a few of those titles.

WRITER'S NOTE: This is a humor column. These books are fictional. And, if they existed, they would be absolutely horrible. Which means that, if anybody on your staff shows even the slightest interest in purchasing any of them, you have our enthusiastic permission to tease them without mercy for the rest of their lives.

The 13,000 Essential Habits
of Effective People

MINI-REVIEW: Knowing just a few simple rules lets you be you. Learn them and watch the sales mount up. A sample of the book's wisdom: “Rule 9,112. When talking to people, maintain steady eye contact. This establishes you as forthright (unless you refuse to look away at least once in a while, which would establish you as a psycho).” Essential reading for anyone who wants to be effective every single second of every single day.

'Can I Help You?’


MINI-REVIEW: Ever wonder what to say when a customer enters your store? This book has the answer. Try “What can I do for you?” or “Are you just looking?” and watch your customers respond. In a bonus appendix, the authors provide a dozen extra exciting weather-related openings, including proven winners like “Hey there ... hot enough for ya?” and “Hey there ... cold enough for ya?”

‘Cash or Charge?’


MINI-REVIEW: Isn’t closing sales the trickiest part of retail? Not anymore. Real salespeople share their “slam-the-door” closing lines like “So you'll take it?” and “Shall I wrap that up for you?” Cash or Charge? is particularly strong in non-verbal methods of closing sales ... for instance, “The Koppel”, in which the sales person raises one eyebrow, nods his head almost imperceptibly, and keeps nodding and staring at the customer until they commit to buy. Never fails, apparently.

It’s Your Lucky Day!


MINI-REVIEW: How do people succeed beyond their wildest dreams? That’s right! By taking wild, utterly random risks. This book defies conventional business wisdom by offering outside-the-box business and investment strategies like, “Invest 33% of every paycheck in lottery tickets,” “Give away all your current inventory and order only Chia Pets to fill your shelves!” ... “Always ask every single person you meet if they would like to give you a million dollars, because you never know!” ... and, the classic, “When all else fails, get run over by somebody driving a Mercedes!”

Power Selling


MINI-REVIEW: How can you make reluctant customers buy more? Wrestling legend (and retail sales guru) Hulk Hogan knows how: Bellow like a wounded boar, and stomp around the store, knocking things over. Strip off your shirt and make your individual pectoral muscles dance (works best for male salespeople). Lean forward and scream into their faces with your eyeballs bulging. Ka-ching, that’s a power sale! Free workout program included.


The Tipping Point: Restaurant Gratuities Explained

What the Hell Do You Mean, Just Looking?

Winning: The Opposite of Losing

Spongebob Squarepants Means Business

Everything I Needed to Know About Business I Learned While Building a $100 Billion Software Company in Kindergarten

The Pilates Way To Better Business

Martians are From Mars, and Whatever You Call Things From Venus are From Venus

Who Moved My Cheese Doodles?

Last modified on Wednesday, 05 August 2015 08:59
David Squires

is Group Editorial Director for SmartWorkMedia, the publishers of INVISION. His favorite business books are the ones that don't just teach you about business, they teach you how to live your life.