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Overheard Optometry

12 Snarky Things That Eyecare People Have Said in Their Heads (But Not Out Loud)

“The drops will sting, not stink. You can stop pinching your nostrils now.”

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YOU PROVIDE the best possible care for the eyecare patients who come to see you. You offer impeccable customer service. You do it all with a smile. After all, you truly enjoy your work, right?

But what if you also happen to have a sarcastic streak? Does the snarky running commentary inside your head just shut off when you’re on the job?

Not likely. In fact, dealing with the public all day might just amp it up.

Here are a few of the snarky things that might go through your head, even though you’d never say them out loud because you do, in fact, love your patients.

  • Why is it taking so long to adjust your glasses, you ask? I don’t know, why did you get drunk and decide to do cartwheels with them?
  • Your aquamarine blue lenses look much more natural than the sapphire green. If you were auditioning for Avatar.
  • As blasphemous as it is, you need to take off your cap for the phoropter. Whoa. Only washing your hair on special occasions now? Please put on your cap again.
  • No, the dilation drops are not going to be yellow. Those are actually called fluorescein drops and they’re — oh sure you can ignore me and continue texting — made with lemonade and turmeric. Please don’t write that down.
  • I really hope your “Positive Three-Hundreds” are a new line of shoes and not the readers you’re holding in your hand.
  • Thank you for bringing the last 14 pairs of glasses you’ve worn in your lifetime. I presume their deteriorating cases are being properly conserved for the artifact exhibition?
  • Do I like to puff air in your eyes for fun? That depends on the questions you ask. *Puff*
  • No, your lenses are to be changed biweekly, not biannually. Yes, I’m sure. No, you don’t need to look it up. Sure you can “text someone really quickly” and secretly Google it anyway.
  • Yes, you’re going to wait if you arrive 40 minutes late. Your appointment will begin at the time you arrive, as outrageously unfair as our policy may be.
  • If progressives don’t work well, I can refer you to the local orthopedic surgeon for a consultation on your Short Arm Disorder. A lot of patients from the Presbyopic Denial Committee swear by him.
  • The drops will sting, not stink. You can stop pinching your nostrils now.
  • Unless you have a prosthetic eye, please stop warning me that you can’t see anything. I just rolled my eyes so far back I think my eye fell out. Now I may need a prosthesis.

Elvira Derhovsepian is an ophthalmic scribe and the creator of the social media platform @overheardoptometry, a community of people who share their unique (and sometimes so very common) stories in eyecare. Derhovsepian recently published the first volume of the Overheard Optometry book, now available at Amazon.com, and enjoys freelance writing and editing in her free time.

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Overheard Optometry

10 Mind-Bending Things Overheard at the Eye Doctor’s Office

‘This is worse than a gynecology exam.’

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TO THE ECPS reading this: When you got into this field, did you really know what you were getting into? Sure, you trained for the technical and medical parts of the job. But the daily chit-chat can be quite a different story.

Did you anticipate the double-meanings behind each answer? Did you predict having to work as a psychologist in addition to being an eye doctor? Did you ever think you’d unintentionally dig deep into your patients’ lives and open a Pandora’s box of life stories?

Take a look into the stories our followers have documented and reported to Overheard Optometry over the past few months. See if you can relate to any of your fellow ECPs — or perhaps even the patients.

1. When you need to take a second glance at your life and make sure you are an optometrist, and not an obstetrician.

 

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Madison, Wisconsin, USA #overheardoptometry #dilation #delivery #dilationdrops #optometryinwisconsin

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2. Or a psychologist. Wait, pull that chair back up. No you can’t lie down on it—are you serious?

 

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Anonymous location #overheardoptometry #clearvision #2020 #hindsight

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3. When your optician is equipped with a request in one witty answer.

 

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Port Saint Lucie, Florida, USA #overheardoptometry #optical #optician #glasses #optometryinflorida

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4. Or when you realize this optician and technician can be great friends.

 

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Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA #overheardoptometry #prostheticeye #optometryinmichigan

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5. When the tables have turned and you become your patient’s patient.

 

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Northamptonshire, England, UK #overheardoptometry #opticnerve #fundus #optometryinengland

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6. Have you ever experienced a moment when you can’t say anything to make your patient feel better?

 

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St. Louis, Missouri, USA #overheardoptometry #gynecology #gynecologist #eyeexams #optometryinmissouri

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7. Or thought about perfecting your poker face when you’re hit with statements like this?

 

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Northamptonshire, England, UK #overheardoptometry #varifocals #multifocals #presbyopia #optometryinengland

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8. Sometimes, it may just be better to nod and smile, or pretend you didn’t hear anything.

 

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Anonymous location #overheardoptometry #flask #eyeexamsarerough

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9. Especially with comments like this…

 

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Trinidad #overheardoptometry #presbyopia #aging #optometryintrinidadandtobago

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10. When you’ve heard it all, it’s best to answer it as straightforwardly as this optometrist:

 

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South Africa #overheardoptometry #poorvision #contagious #eyes #optometryinsouthafrica

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Overheard Optometry

12 Overconfident Eyecare Patients Who Thought They Knew More Than the Doctor

‘I’ve always had unisex eyes!’

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WHEN YOU EMBARK on the journey to become an eyecare professional, you endure years of classroom and clinical training to be able to see patients on your own. You proffer your professional advice on eye health, write prescriptions, and generally make it your business to know what you’re doing.

But what about the moments when your patients can teach you a thing or two? It happens sometimes, no doubt. But other times, they come up with some pretty crazy stuff.

What would you do if your patients said the following?

1. Denial ain’t just a river, it’s apparently a drink too.

 

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St. Louis, Missouri, USA #overheardoptometry #blurryvision #dilationdrops #beers #optometryinmissouri

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2. Stay tuned for the androgynous contacts, scheduled to be released next summer.

 

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Kansas, USA #overheardoptometry #unisex #contactlenses #optometryinkansas

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3. Oh, honey…

 

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Darwin, Australia #overheardoptometry #manukahoney #dryeyes #optometryinaustralia

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4. Perhaps it was on the “Popcorn” feature?

 

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Setúbal, Portugal #overheardoptometry #glasses #optical #optometryinportugal

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5. Tap, still or sparkling?

 

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Northamptonshire, England, UK #overheardoptometry #dryeyes #water #optometryinengland

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6. Flipping minds and corneas alike.

 

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Grants Pass, Oregon, USA #overheardoptometry #cornea #cornealinjury #optometryinoregon

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7. Meyend-blowing.

 

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Northhamptonshire, England, UK #overheardoptometry #contactlenses #dryeyes #naturalselection #optometryinengland

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8. Probably had it on “Heavy Wash”.

 

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Kamloops, British Columbia, Canada #overheardoptometry #dishwashersafe #glasses #optical #optician #optometryincanada

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9. What kind of insect was that and where can we find it?

 

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Hermitage, Pennsylvania, USA #overheardoptometry #astigmatism #optometryinpennsylvania

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10. Glaucoma…gluten-free…tomato…tomahto.

 

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Melbourne, Victoria, Australia #overheardoptometry #glutenfree #glaucoma #visualfield #optometryinaustralia

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11. Isn’t it easier to pronounce the word with two syllables than the one with four?!

 

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St. Clairsville, Ohio, USA #overheardoptometry #obstetrician #optician #tomatotomato #optometryinohio

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12. No! Then all your logic would flow out of the holes. Don’t do that.

 

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Hampshire, England, UK #overheardoptometry #humphreyvisualfield #visualfield #eyepatch #optometryinengland

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If you’d like to join the fun, subscribe to Overheard Optometry for daily stories like the ones above on Instagram and Facebook. You can also email your submissions here.

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Overheard Optometry

18 Eyecare Patients Who Diagnosed Themselves and Were Incredibly Wrong

‘My eyes just hurt so bad. … It’s my stigmas.’

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THE HUMAN BODY IS complex, but the general public can at least point to the location of the heart, the stomach or the bicep muscles. If not, they at least have an idea of how to say the words.

The world of eyecare, however, presents its own intricate terminology. People don’t usually sprinkle their daily conversation with terms such as glaucoma, astigmatism, macular degeneration or cataracts.

Wouldn’t you rather be talking about guacamole? Stigmata? Molecular generation? Cadillacs?

Learning about the different parts of the eye is challenging, as many of our patients find. So here are our 18 favorite moments captured on Overheard Optometry with patients self-diagnosing themselves using creative ocular terminology.

1. Pretty sure there is no uterus in the eye. A for effort though.

 

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Anonymous location • #overheardoptometry #uterus #eye #bloodvessel

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2. Not sure whether to be amazed or terrified.

 

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Manila, Philippines #overheardoptometry #weatherforecast #eyeweatherdetector #optometryinphilippines

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3. Looks like we’re due for an anti-anti-reflective coating eye drop prescription.

 

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Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, Canada #overheardoptometry #allergic #glasses #antireflectivecoating #optometryincanada

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4. Something tells me you probably shouldn’t use hand wipes from KFC for your eyes. Not sure what it is.

 

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Lancaster, England, UK #overheardoptometry #eroticheart #heartbeat #warfarin #arrhythmia #optometryinengland

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5. Unless your eyes are capable of inhaling then by all means, who are we to stop you?!

 

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Paris, France #overheardoptometry #asthma #astigmatism #inhaler #ventolin #optometryinfrance

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6. Hope this optometrist wasn’t trying to cushion the truth.

 

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Portugal #overheardoptometry #pillowmarks #optometryinportugal

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7. That escalated a tad bit too quickly.

 

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Los Angeles, California, USA #overheardoptometry #jaundice #ocular #optometryincalifornia

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8. Sounds like a case of blinker fluid.

 

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Mount Horeb, Wisconsin, USA #overheardoptometry #eyefluid #tears #vitreoushumor #whoknows #optometryinwisconsin

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9. I don’t even know where to begin. Rugby ball? Pupil?

 

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Cape Town, South Africa #overheardoptometry #rugbyball #rugbyballpupil #astigmatism #optometryinsouthafrica

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10. All this stigma about stigmas…makes me wonder why we’re talking about the Crucifixion? It’s just astigmatism!

 

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Texas, USA #overheardoptometry #astigmatism #stigma #optometryintexas

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11. Don’t try this at Japanese gardens. Leave the cod fish alone.

 

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Scotland #overheardoptometry #codliveroil #cataract #herbalremedies #cantmakethisshitup #optometryinscotland

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12. Are you flippin’ kidding?

 

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Madrid, Spain #overheardoptometry #penguins #pinguecula #optometryinspain

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13. Watt are you talking about?

 

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High Point, North Carolina, USA #overheardoptometry #titanium #nickel #frames #lolwut #optometryinnorthcarolina

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14. Sounds pretty flaky if you ask me.

 

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Bend, Oregon, USA #overheardoptometry #oliveoil #potatochips #eyeremedy #dryeyes #optometryinoregon

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15. That could have made a turn for the worst, really quickly.

 

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Richmond, England, UK #overheardoptometry #chlamydia #cataracts #optometryinengland

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16. Almond or soy?

 

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Manchester, New Hampshire, USA #overheardoptometry #coa #boiledmilk #milk #eyeremedy #dryeyes #optometryinnewhampshire

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17. Looks like we’re crossing over a new territory here…

 

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Anonymous location #overheardoptometry #religiouscataracts #catholics #cataracts

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18. Sounds like an eye-land in Greece.

 

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Burbank, California, USA #overheardoptometry #misakostakos #maculardegeneration #optometryincalifornia

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