12 Snarky Things That Eyecare People Have Said in Their Heads (But Not Out Loud)

YOU PROVIDE the best possible care for the eyecare patients who come to see you. You offer impeccable customer service. You do it all with a smile. After all, you truly enjoy your work, right?

But what if you also happen to have a sarcastic streak? Does the snarky running commentary inside your head just shut off when you’re on the job?

Not likely. In fact, dealing with the public all day might just amp it up.

Here are a few of the snarky things that might go through your head, even though you’d never say them out loud because you do, in fact, love your patients.

• Why is it taking so long to adjust your glasses, you ask? I don’t know, why did you get drunk and decide to do cartwheels with them?
• Your aquamarine blue lenses look much more natural than the sapphire green. If you were auditioning for Avatar.
• As blasphemous as it is, you need to take off your cap for the phoropter. Whoa. Only washing your hair on special occasions now? Please put on your cap again.
• No, the dilation drops are not going to be yellow. Those are actually called fluorescein drops and they’re — oh sure you can ignore me and continue texting — made with lemonade and turmeric. Please don’t write that down.
• I really hope your “Positive Three-Hundreds” are a new line of shoes and not the readers you’re holding in your hand.
• Thank you for bringing the last 14 pairs of glasses you’ve worn in your lifetime. I presume their deteriorating cases are being properly conserved for the artifact exhibition?
• Do I like to puff air in your eyes for fun? That depends on the questions you ask. *Puff*
• No, your lenses are to be changed biweekly, not biannually. Yes, I’m sure. No, you don’t need to look it up. Sure you can “text someone really quickly” and secretly Google it anyway.
• Yes, you’re going to wait if you arrive 40 minutes late. Your appointment will begin at the time you arrive, as outrageously unfair as our policy may be.
• If progressives don’t work well, I can refer you to the local orthopedic surgeon for a consultation on your Short Arm Disorder. A lot of patients from the Presbyopic Denial Committee swear by him.
• The drops will sting, not stink. You can stop pinching your nostrils now.
• Unless you have a prosthetic eye, please stop warning me that you can’t see anything. I just rolled my eyes so far back I think my eye fell out. Now I may need a prosthesis.