Connect with us

Overheard Optometry

12 Snarky Things That Eyecare People Have Said in Their Heads (But Not Out Loud)

“The drops will sting, not stink. You can stop pinching your nostrils now.”

mm

Published

on

YOU PROVIDE the best possible care for the eyecare patients who come to see you. You offer impeccable customer service. You do it all with a smile. After all, you truly enjoy your work, right?

But what if you also happen to have a sarcastic streak? Does the snarky running commentary inside your head just shut off when you’re on the job?

Not likely. In fact, dealing with the public all day might just amp it up.

Here are a few of the snarky things that might go through your head, even though you’d never say them out loud because you do, in fact, love your patients.

  • Why is it taking so long to adjust your glasses, you ask? I don’t know, why did you get drunk and decide to do cartwheels with them?
  • Your aquamarine blue lenses look much more natural than the sapphire green. If you were auditioning for Avatar.
  • As blasphemous as it is, you need to take off your cap for the phoropter. Whoa. Only washing your hair on special occasions now? Please put on your cap again.
  • No, the dilation drops are not going to be yellow. Those are actually called fluorescein drops and they’re — oh sure you can ignore me and continue texting — made with lemonade and turmeric. Please don’t write that down.
  • I really hope your “Positive Three-Hundreds” are a new line of shoes and not the readers you’re holding in your hand.
  • Thank you for bringing the last 14 pairs of glasses you’ve worn in your lifetime. I presume their deteriorating cases are being properly conserved for the artifact exhibition?
  • Do I like to puff air in your eyes for fun? That depends on the questions you ask. *Puff*
  • No, your lenses are to be changed biweekly, not biannually. Yes, I’m sure. No, you don’t need to look it up. Sure you can “text someone really quickly” and secretly Google it anyway.
  • Yes, you’re going to wait if you arrive 40 minutes late. Your appointment will begin at the time you arrive, as outrageously unfair as our policy may be.
  • If progressives don’t work well, I can refer you to the local orthopedic surgeon for a consultation on your Short Arm Disorder. A lot of patients from the Presbyopic Denial Committee swear by him.
  • The drops will sting, not stink. You can stop pinching your nostrils now.
  • Unless you have a prosthetic eye, please stop warning me that you can’t see anything. I just rolled my eyes so far back I think my eye fell out. Now I may need a prosthesis.

Elvira Derhovsepian is an ophthalmic scribe and the creator of the social media platform @overheardoptometry, a community of people who share their unique (and sometimes so very common) stories in eyecare. Derhovsepian recently published the first volume of the Overheard Optometry book, now available at Amazon.com, and enjoys freelance writing and editing in her free time.

Advertisement

SPONSORED VIDEO

SPONSORED BY HOYA

Hoya: The Right Lenses for Sun Protection

Eye safety has never been more important--or fashionable. Check out Hoya's Serenity photochromic and Coppertone(R) polarized lens collections, just in time for summer!

Promoted Headlines

Overheard Optometry

18 Eyecare Patients Who Diagnosed Themselves and Were Incredibly Wrong

‘My eyes just hurt so bad. … It’s my stigmas.’

mm

Published

on

THE HUMAN BODY IS complex, but the general public can at least point to the location of the heart, the stomach or the bicep muscles. If not, they at least have an idea of how to say the words.

The world of eyecare, however, presents its own intricate terminology. People don’t usually sprinkle their daily conversation with terms such as glaucoma, astigmatism, macular degeneration or cataracts.

Wouldn’t you rather be talking about guacamole? Stigmata? Molecular generation? Cadillacs?

Learning about the different parts of the eye is challenging, as many of our patients find. So here are our 18 favorite moments captured on Overheard Optometry with patients self-diagnosing themselves using creative ocular terminology.

1. Pretty sure there is no uterus in the eye. A for effort though.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Anonymous location • #overheardoptometry #uterus #eye #bloodvessel

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

2. Not sure whether to be amazed or terrified.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Manila, Philippines #overheardoptometry #weatherforecast #eyeweatherdetector #optometryinphilippines

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

3. Looks like we’re due for an anti-anti-reflective coating eye drop prescription.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, Canada #overheardoptometry #allergic #glasses #antireflectivecoating #optometryincanada

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

4. Something tells me you probably shouldn’t use hand wipes from KFC for your eyes. Not sure what it is.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Lancaster, England, UK #overheardoptometry #eroticheart #heartbeat #warfarin #arrhythmia #optometryinengland

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

5. Unless your eyes are capable of inhaling then by all means, who are we to stop you?!

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Paris, France #overheardoptometry #asthma #astigmatism #inhaler #ventolin #optometryinfrance

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

6. Hope this optometrist wasn’t trying to cushion the truth.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Portugal #overheardoptometry #pillowmarks #optometryinportugal

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

7. That escalated a tad bit too quickly.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Los Angeles, California, USA #overheardoptometry #jaundice #ocular #optometryincalifornia

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

8. Sounds like a case of blinker fluid.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Mount Horeb, Wisconsin, USA #overheardoptometry #eyefluid #tears #vitreoushumor #whoknows #optometryinwisconsin

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

9. I don’t even know where to begin. Rugby ball? Pupil?

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Cape Town, South Africa #overheardoptometry #rugbyball #rugbyballpupil #astigmatism #optometryinsouthafrica

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

10. All this stigma about stigmas…makes me wonder why we’re talking about the Crucifixion? It’s just astigmatism!

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Texas, USA #overheardoptometry #astigmatism #stigma #optometryintexas

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

11. Don’t try this at Japanese gardens. Leave the cod fish alone.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Scotland #overheardoptometry #codliveroil #cataract #herbalremedies #cantmakethisshitup #optometryinscotland

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

12. Are you flippin’ kidding?

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Madrid, Spain #overheardoptometry #penguins #pinguecula #optometryinspain

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

13. Watt are you talking about?

 

View this post on Instagram

 

High Point, North Carolina, USA #overheardoptometry #titanium #nickel #frames #lolwut #optometryinnorthcarolina

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

14. Sounds pretty flaky if you ask me.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Bend, Oregon, USA #overheardoptometry #oliveoil #potatochips #eyeremedy #dryeyes #optometryinoregon

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

15. That could have made a turn for the worst, really quickly.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Richmond, England, UK #overheardoptometry #chlamydia #cataracts #optometryinengland

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

16. Almond or soy?

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Manchester, New Hampshire, USA #overheardoptometry #coa #boiledmilk #milk #eyeremedy #dryeyes #optometryinnewhampshire

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

17. Looks like we’re crossing over a new territory here…

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Anonymous location #overheardoptometry #religiouscataracts #catholics #cataracts

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

18. Sounds like an eye-land in Greece.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Burbank, California, USA #overheardoptometry #misakostakos #maculardegeneration #optometryincalifornia

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

Continue Reading

Overheard Optometry

15 Ways Patients Tried to Deny That Their Vision Got Worse

‘Vision is a state of mind. If my mind is clear, my vision is clear.’

mm

Published

on

THERE’S SOMETHING infuriating about patients who claim “I can see fine” but have 48-point type on their phone and a selfie stick to hold the phone at a comfortable distance. Meanwhile they’re squinting to read the Wi-Fi password in the waiting area.

Why won’t they just admit that they can’t read their books or street signs? Maybe they’re all in on this massive, worldwide joke and planning to force eye doctors into an early retirement.

At least there’s one upside: ECPs can rejoice in sharing their patients’ unique claims of how their vision did not change. Can your patients beat these stories?

Certainly, Captain Jack Sparrow. Who needs the other eye anyway?

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Phoenix, Arizona, USA • #overheardoptometry #visualacuity #optometryinarizona

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

Maybe I can pick this up at my next yoga session.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Los Angeles, California, USA #overheardoptometry #bcva #stateofmind #vision #optometryincalifornia

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

How often do people read, use the computer and drive anyway?

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Glendale, California, USA #overheardoptometry #patients #denial #glasses #optometryincalifornia

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

Companies should invest in rechargeable prescription lenses already.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Wichita, Kansas, USA #overheardoptometry #optical #glasses #prescription #medicine #optometryinkansas

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

Just leave it to the experts in space…

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Utrecht, Netherlands #overheardoptometry #cosmos #myopia #contactlenses #myopicdenial #optometryinthenetherlands

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

Looks like this optometrist got caught read-handed.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Sherman Oaks, California, USA #overheardoptometry #bifocal #progressive #glasses #addpower #bifocalize #optometryincalifornia

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

Maybe the optometrist was having an off day and didn’t mean to prescribe glasses last time.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Florence, Kentucky, USA #overheardoptometry #glasses #denial #grocerystore #optometryinkentucky

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

Why on Earth would we want to do that?

 

View this post on Instagram

 

College Station, Texas, USA #overheardoptometry #optometryintexas

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

There’s distance, then there’s television distance.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

📍Charleston, South Carolina, USA 🇺🇸 • #overheardoptometry #tvglasses #glasses #optometryinsouthcarolina

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

Or just carry that selfie stick with you everywhere …

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Singapore #overheardoptometry #optician #readingnglasses #toldyouso #optometryinsingapore

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

Why didn’t the phoropter fix this patient’s eyes? We’ll never know.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA #overheardoptometry #eyeemergency #optometryinmichigan

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

But no changes at all. You see, vision isn’t actually seeing. It’s a state of mind.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Eau Claire, Wisconsin, USA #overheardoptometry #denial #optometryinwisconsin

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

Good save, optometrist.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Bromley, Kent, UK #overheardoptometry #eyeexam #optometryinengland

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

They’re onto us.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Manila, Philippines #overheardoptometry #astigmatism #culprit #optometryinphilippines

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

Have we been reading letters wrong this entire time?

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Bishop Auckland, England, United Kingdom #overheardoptometry #learntoread #shapes #learnnewthings #optometryinengland

A post shared by Overheard Optometry (@overheardoptometry) on

Continue Reading

Overheard Optometry

11 of the Weirdest Things that Eye Doctors Heard from Patients

“When I smoke weed, why do my pupils dilate like I’m on speed?”

mm

Published

on

AS AN EYECARE PRACTITIONER, you know that certain commonly asked questions and comments — “What’s astigmatism?”, “Are the dilation drops necessary?”, “I can’t read up close anymore” — come with the territory. But occasionally patients also say things that are jaw-dropping, cringe-worthy or downright bizarre.

Today, we bring you a few of our favorite weird remarks that have been shared by optometrists, opticians and optometric technicians.

1. “When I smoke weed, why do my pupils dilate like I’m on speed?” –Dr. Sarah Lyn Sliva, optometrist, Saskatchewan, Canada

2. Patient: “So Doc, am I near-farted or what?”

Doctor: “I hope not, I’m standing right beside you!” –Anonymous

(Patient accidentally combined ‘near’ and ‘far’-sighted together)

3. Patient (to female optometrist): “Didn’t you used to be a man?” –Anonymous

4. “Years ago I had a patient see the progressive identifiers in his lenses. He was convinced they contained personal information and that it was a government conspiracy. He insisted I remake the lenses without the markings. I happily said that’s not possible, but he could switch to a lined bifocal, which he did.” –Kristi Johnson, optician, Rochester Hills, MI

5. Optometrist: “OK, now that you’re dilated, we are going to do the internal portion of your eye exam.”

Patient: “Um, OK. Does that mean you want me to take my pants off?” –Anonymous, technician, DE

6. “The funniest thing that I’ve encountered was when a patient asked me if I was going to check him for gonorrhea as it runs in the family; I politely asked, ‘Do you mean glaucoma?’” –Dr. Steven Koganovsky, optometrist, Fort Lauderdale, FL

7. Low-vision elderly patient: “This is my bad eye! I can’t see any of the ladies with this eye!”

Doctor: “Your wife is sitting right there!”

Patient: “It’s OK. She’s hard of hearing!” –Dr. Sarah Truman, Optometrist, Wichita, KS

8. “I had a follow-up a few years ago in which I placed a woman on Muro 128 ointment for Fuch’s Dustrophy. She came in for appointment and her cornea looked chewed up. I was dumbfounded. I asked her if she was taking her ointment as directed. She said she was. I asked to show me the ointment to make sure it was the correct one from the pharmacy and she pulls out Vagisil cream. She said she read the labels and it was ‘safe for delicate areas’ and assumed it was okay for her eye.” –Dr. Angela Tsai, optometrist, Fredericksburg, VA

9. Optometrist: “Are you taking any medication?”

Patient: “Does weed count? It really should, legalize it.” –Anonymous

10. “Patient called and was very concerned her sold her plutonium frames and was confused as why we would sell her radioactive frames that cause cancer. We politely informed her that they were titanium.” –Dr. Julie Hart, Optometrist, Hart Family Eyecare, West Plains, MO

11. “My glasses have prism in the left eye for astigmatism.” –Anonymous

Can you share any similar stories? Submit yours to @OverheardOptometry on Instagram or Facebook through direct message, or send an email to overheardoptometry@gmail.com.

Continue Reading

Advertisement

Advertisement

Advertisement

Subscribe


BULLETINS

Get the most important news and business ideas for eyecare professionals every weekday from INVISION.

Facebook

Most Popular